All praises and thanks be to Allah (SWT). Abundant salutations be upon our beloved Messenger Muhammad (SAW).
As I previously mentioned, I’ve been wanting to write about my teachers as well as the advices I get on a daily basis at my institution of higher Islamic learning. However, I don’t think my words could do justice to them or to their teachings. You have to experience it yourself. But I’d like to share today’s lesson in one of my fiqh classes. We’re studying Kitaabun-Nikaah (Marriage) at the moment. It’s commendable the way he speaks about sex demurely yet so candidly. Please note that this is not his word-for-word advices but rather my own words from notes that I took during class like a little goody two-shoes:
As a meal has a starter, main meal and dessert, in conjugal relations there is foreplay, sex and afterplay. In order to avoid harming the lady, a man must have foreplay with his wife. It takes a male about 45 seconds to get aroused while it takes a lady about 15 minutes. [Addressing the unmarried brothers:] You’re proably thinking what are going to do in that 15 minutes?
Foreplay includes words of endearment, a massage, even just being respectful. If you think you can’t massage, just take an area of her body and make circles [demonstrated on his palm]. A man could buy his wife a bunch of flowers in the morning for good sex at night.
Before getting married some people read Men’s Health or Women’s Health, but don’t just trust what you read if it’s not referenced. Don’t read about 101 different positions. Keep it simple. You only need to know one position – missionary position. You and your spouse lie next to each other and decide who’s going to be on top. There’s no swinging from the chandeliers.
Apart from the only two things that are not permissible: anal sex and conjugal relations during menstruation, you can go to your wife however you wish. A brother asked me about entering the lady from behind. Yes you can do it… but it requires skill. [Laughter errupts in class].
You grow as a couple; it’s not a one-night-stand or a short or medium-term relationship. It’s long-term thing.
Who says you have to have sex on your wedding night? You’re not going to get brownie points. Maybe you can pat yourself on the back. If it’s mutual and it happens, all good and well. But there’s no rush.
Things that affect sex:
- Diet. The importance of diet cannot be overemphasised.
- Confidence. Knowledge empowers. To learn how to drive, you get a learners’ manual, go for learners lessons and driving lessons. Likewise, husbands and wives must know how their bodies work, how sex works and so forth. Go to a bookshop and buy a book on sexual health.
- Spirituality. Lower your gaze. Wean yourself off pornography completely.
Afterwards a man could just roll over and go to sleep, but if he really wants to make his wife feel endeared, he should show affection to her after having sex.
Having these class discussions have inspired me to specialise in sex therapy for females once I’ve completed my counselling degree inShaAllah, in order to serve my community in this regard. I’m sure I’ll still teach Qur’an in some form, with Allah’s permission, inShaAllah.
I’m thinking about my poor friend who cringes and dies inside, but I’m totes looking forward to next lesson.
With best du’as for your wordly and afterlife success,