Update on my hifdh journey: we had a mock tamat (graduation) last week and oh my, it went terrrrrible. I was anxious to the max. I’m not usually nervous for anything, I’ve bunjee-jumped for goodness’ sake! But when it came to the Qur’an, I just couldn’t deal. I think it had a lot to do with not being able to let go and not trusting Allah that the aayaat will flow from me.
So I phoned my unofficial hifdh mentor for some advice. The first thing she stated was: you don’t have control; get over it. She said anxiety is from Shaytaan, and it’s not simply mind over matter – he actually runs in your blood, so seek refuge from him. She said Shaytaan is going to be so angry on the day of your tamat (’cause it means he lost). She told me that Allah has big plans for my life, and I can do this. Everything she said motivated me, Alhamdulillah.
On the school front, my ustadh’s strategy has been to test me on 5 ajzaa every day. I’ve been tested on my first fifteen ajzaa so far and it’s been going okay, Alhamdullilah. He feels a bit relieved. The tamat is an emotional occasion for him too. He said he feels like he’s going to be giving us over to a new life [the way a father gives his daughter away on her wedding]. He’s been a father to me especially. I’ll never forgot the things he’s done for me that made me feel like a cherished daughter, like pulling over to speak to me when he was driving at night, answering my call during his dont-talk-me-I’m watching soccer match and sincerely listening to me complain about my hifdh, every single time (astaghfirullah). He’s seen me cry more times than my parents have (in my adult life). I feel that Allah took away my biological father but finally replaced him with better, Alhamdulillah.
Back to my hifdh update: We’re having another mock tamat (graduation) tomorrow in-sha-Allah, but only on the first fifteen ajzaa. I’m not done revising yet and it doesn’t help that I’m assisting with a bridal shower tomorrow, that I’m excited about. I also have gifts to prepare for my teachers and parents. I’m totally going to share pics of them with you after the tamat ’cause I’m pretty chuffed with what I got. Except that I have no idea what to get my mother. I don’t have a budget so I’m searching the internet for ideas for freebies.
I can’t comprehend that I only have a week left of hifdh school. I just can’t. I felt the same way at the end of Matric (Grade 12). When I finished Matric, I said I didn’t want to experience it again, but my hifdh journey was like going through Matric all over again, Alhamdulillah. I’ve come to accept that Allah chose my school and my teachers for a reason. I just wish I came to accept it a looong time ago. I wish I was grateful. I wish I trusted Allah (s.w.t.) more. I wish I worked harder. How I wish.
I remind myself to be grateful for this incredible opportunity that Allah’s blessed me with, and end off with my most fave Qur’anic du’a ever: